It's February and I Feel Free

"There is a lovely hill that runs out of Ixopo."- Alan Paton, 'Cry, the Beloved Country'

I've been busy, relaxed, anxious, and enjoying more peace than I have ever known in my working adult life. I got my hair done, invested my superannuation four percent start-of-year payout in getting a house renovated, resigned from my full-time teaching job, started my M.A in full-swing, started having two part-time jobs, became co-chair of a government advisory board, and did NOT finish reading 'DUNE' (Book 1). I'll get there. Book-wise.

I've moved up to Siusega, where I now live in a small but neat unit with Samkeyes (my cousin who is now my brother). It was a real fixer-upper when we first got it. I like to think I am learning patience. 

We live next door to our uncles Peni and Pastor Siona. Our uncle Siona's house is where we eat and hang out most of the time. He drives us to school early everyday. I am adjusting to being part of a family again. My own blood family, for once in a really long time.

I am tired and very energized. I feel better than I have felt since my dad passed away. Perhaps this is the right arrangement for me.

In 2025, I choose joy. My joy. For the first time in years.

I'm financially a lot more stable now. I sleep longer. Work more. Work harder- I've always worked hard, but this time, I do it very happily. Happiness is sparse in this climate, no?

Samkeyes is at Nursing School. He loves it. I am so proud of him! Everyone who comes into my brother's gentle and kind care in the healthcare system will be very blessed. Just as I have always been.

It's February and I'm wearing lots of makeup and my favorite jewelry again. I am free.

I Was In A Musical about Silence, PART I

HUSH, and other Sounds

The beginnings of HUSH: The Musical

Starring: Nathan Sam Pomare, Krystal Elizabeth Juffa, Jasmine Koria, Daniel Koria, Tamiana Olano, Alofau Rile, Benjamin Lelevaga, Grace Pauga Greed, Elisapeta Fepulea'i, Abbey Tofamamao Heather, Eseta Corrine Uili, and Lars Gustaf Bell 

The Official Poster for HUSH: The Musical (2023).

Two weeks ago I was in my first-ever musical. The work was a collaborative production of Brown Girl Woke, Samoa Performing Arts and Creative Excellence (S.P.A.C.E), the United Nations Education, Social and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) and the Ministry of Education, Sports and Culture (MESC). I was a writer, vocalist and narrator/performance poet in the show. Busy does not even begin to describe this season of my life. 

At our first writing session, we, the writing team, threw around several onomatopoeic words and phrases. We knew right from the beginning that we wanted the narrative to have a poetic, lyrical flow. Think, ocean waves and sandy sea breezes. The focus of our work was to be IPV (intimate partner violence) and DV (domestic violence), and the way in which silence both perpetuates and prolongs these societal woes. We talked about the sound 'shhh' that is often heard when a child talks too loudly. 'Shh' is a very interesting expression- it can also be used to menacingly get someone's attention, or to jokingly brush off someone's attention. For some reason, as we all sat around the table making the 'shh' sound, the word 'HUSH' came to my mind. I blurted out, 'Shh sounds like HUSH!"...and everyone thankfully indulged my idea (lol). Thus, the musical got its name. And the serious work of drafting scenes, sequences, choosing songs and arranging the cast list began. 

One of the things I am most thankful for is that I starred in my first musical under amazing direction. Brown Girl Woke's Doris Tulifau and Yvette Alalatoa, and S.P.A.C.E's Valentino Maliko were an absolute dream to work for. They were visionary, perceptive, creative and super accommodating of our cast's different schedules (and personalities!). Directing and producing a musical in the developing Pacific is very different from running a show in, say, Auckland or Sydney. For one thing, you will most likely be working with artists whose 'art' is but a part-time or spare-time endeavor. Most people- especially young people- in our part of the world cannot afford to do their craft full time. The majority of our cast, and even the directors themselves, has full-time work and study schedules PLUS a myriad of family and community obligations that we had to very carefully work around. Then, of course, there were the usual setbacks like illness and bad weather. I should know...I had a bad episode of vertigo mid-week, two weeks before the show opened. I literally woke up in the E.R (fun times!) with a nurse (who happened to be a former student of mine!) telling me I had low blood pressure. Side note, I could barely talk but was so bloody proud to see my student living out the full fruition of his dream! Yay for Pacific success :)

Something I'll never forget is the human compassion and kindness that our directing team extended. They wanted the show to be a success, yes, but they also cared deeply about the health and well-being of their performers. I got the rest of the week off and they checked in on me constantly. Dream work environment, if ever there was one!

The final cast was a twelve-member ensemble. We were all versatile performers, the majority of us being able to sing, dance, write AND act. The Pacific is brimming with talent, but still lacks opportunity. Just before opening day, my brother arrived from Melbourne for his usual end-of-year holiday. He's an amazing performance poet, writer and rapper, so of course I kinda-sorta talked him into joining us. Yes, Samoa is THAT small-you and your entire family be in a play together before you know it 😂 

As a cast, we got on GREAT. Everyone was super supportive- there is nothing quite like knowing your co-workers are truly, genuinely rooting for you. If I had to attribute our success to any one single thing, it'd definitely be this. We had a lot of laughs, and a ton of great conversations about everything from where we grew up to how to become TikTok famous. Remember when Nelly sang "we started as strangers, now we leavin' as brothers'? Yeah. This was the vibe. We worked long nights sometimes, plus there was the general exhaustion and of course, for us narrators, a couple of slip-ups and forgetting lines. But we worked through it, and an absolute gem of a lesson that I have learned from this experience is that PEOPLE make all the difference. You can have the most high-tech, state-of-the-art facilities or the biggest budget in the world. An unsupportive team holds everyone back. I'm so blessed, so grateful, that this was not our case. We were a team in that cliche but important way: together, everyone achieve(d) more. Thanks team!

(to be continued...)

WHY, THOUGH? Part I

Leaps of Faith vs. Calculated Risks

Volunteer work, N.G.O.s, not-for-profit networks...blogging. These are much-needed, and VERY difficult to do when you live in a third world country that's about as big as an ink blot on an atlas. Also, it's Samoa, for goodness sake. Everyone has a job, maybe even two, and then there's the deluge of family fa'alavelave, 'autalavou meetings, alumni fundraising group chats (hopefully not more than two!), loan deductions...SO: Why even bother taking on an extra workload (and the extra #issues it might bring) for FREE?!

If ever I had to say what question I get asked the most, it'd definitely be the one above! My students ask me it. My colleagues ask me it.  My mother even asks me it...well, usually in the context of, "you're getting ANOTHER job? Is it another income too, please?" (Pacific mothers, aye?) While giving the same answer to the same question does get a little tiring, I'd also say, to those who ask: hey, fair enough. 

For the last year-and-a-half, I've been simultaneously working no less than two jobs (sometimes three) at a time WHILST also volunteering AND being a sole caregiver as well as a single income-earner. My clinical anxiety works for but also against this, shall I say, 'arrangement'...When I'm productive, I'm sending emails and sharing documents and planning, planning, planning to the point where it's almost annoying if you're on the receiving end. When I'm having an off day (or week, haha!), I'll still do all these things, but much, much, slower. This is equally annoying if you need a report or graph or email response from me. Nonetheless, 'I get it done', as the saying goes. 

To the point now: Why get more jobs, why sign on to more projects, and why make a blog to talk about getting jobs and signing onto projects? Well, it's simple: BECAUSE I CAN. Ability and agency are two of the greatest assets anyone can have. Yes, starting capital (read: inherited wealth) is an amazingly freeing and empowering thing. But it isn't a necessary prerequisite to furnishing your lifetime with the doing of all the things you want to, and the use of your talents and strengths to carve out the kind of legacy you hope to leave behind. I come from a very working class background: my parents were both first in their immediate families to graduate with any sort of tertiary qualifications. My siblings and I went through secondary and tertiary schooling with the help of scholarships and those pesky but necessary loan schemes that our father would apply for. He'd pay off one child's education loan, and then be faced with having to take out another, because by then, the next kid would be ready for high school or university. It wasn't the worst possible scenario you could imagine, but it was certainly not the best. One thing I have taken from my childhood is a deep and abounding appreciation for the ABILITY, and the AGENCY to work good jobs, to learn important skills, and to develop myself as a person. When you grow up with limited agency, you become an adult who appreciates being ABLE, however difficult your circumstances may still seem. 

I can teach, I can write, I can read, I can speak. And I can certainly take down an accurate dictation. Meeting minutes are my #life. The four founding pillars of literacy education in Samoa are listening, speaking, reading and writing. For all that is to be improved in it, I credit the Samoan education system for giving me a very holistic, broad foundation. I have built all four of my careers on this, and it has served me well on days when most other things (and people) have not. The education system that built me was focused on goal-setting. I was taught the importance of logical, measurable steps. Even risks have to be properly planned out. Know what you are risking, and know why you are risking it. Know what abilities you have, and know how much agency and space you have to exercise them. 

I was a nervous kid...painfully so. One night, after struggling through my Year 8 mathematics homework with me, my Dad gave me some (branded and cliche, but very helpful) advice: "Don't be afraid. Don't hold yourself back- if you know you can, then do it! Nike. Just do it!" Fathers, aye? I miss those dad jokes and nuggets of (un)original wisdom everyday. Cringe-inspiring? Probably. But these words have held true for me in all the fourteen or so years since they were spoken to me. There's only so much fretting you can do over a situation or an impediment. If you want to achieve anything worthwhile, you'll have to get to the point where you decide if you really can (or cannot) do it, and then, ACT ON WHAT YOU BELIEVE. Make your calculations, consider your risks, and finally, do the hardest and easiest part: take the leap. That's faith, by the way- stepping out because you know you can.