I Was in a Musical about Silence, Part II

What Does Silence Sound Like?

"Oh Lord, You Know, I'm tired."

Is there anything louder than silence? 

That is the question we set out to answer as we stepped onto the stage at the Ministry of Education, Sports and Culture's Arts and Culture Center on Wednesday, December 6th 2023. I remember vividly the bright harshness of the spotlight as it illuminated our first scene, 'School Choir', against a blue-dark auditorium. I'll never stop being in awe of how stage and theater performers weave magic into the atmosphere, right before "a thousand eyes", as Sia once sang. Said audience was, that day, a mix of bubbly teenagers and thoughtful, maybe slightly cynical, adults. And why shouldn't they have been? We were bringing to stage a locally produced, locally directed showcase that was going to do the still-difficult work of opening up conversations about Intimate Partner Violence and Domestic Violence. Of weaving words and music into the spaces where silence belies the existence of such nuances as mental abuse, microaggressions and unexpressed psychological trauma.

The magic of Performing Arts is felt not only by the audience. We as a cast experienced it too, in a very real way that gave us strength and agility, maybe even more than we had during the dress rehearsal the previous day. From Eseta and Benjamin's melancholic opening dance, 'Tired', to my brother's narration of performance poet Ioane Otineru's post-colonial ode to gender disparities in Samoa, everyone felt strong and so performed STRONG. Our first review, by pioneering Samoan performance poet and novelist Sia Figiel, commended the "physical and emotional strength (as well as the) conviction and confidence" with which the production was presented.

When I stepped on stage to perform my first piece, 'Ode to She Who Held Up the World', I felt a power and urgency that pushed me to remember every single word. It also encouraged me to give our audience the full gamut of all the many, MANY emotions that I feel about generational silences and the way religion, economics and culture weave a 'quilt' of trauma around so many mother-daughter relationships. I thought of my Samoan grandmother- herself a mother to three daughters and a grandmother as well as great-grandmother to many more. It was not until she was gone that I learned she had always dreamed of doing the very thing I was now blessed to be doing: writing for and performing on stage. It made me sad and it made me angry and somewhere between the two, I found a new kind of strength. My main emotion 'generator' has always been sense memory, so I thought of my father when I sang those words, ua fa'afetai Iesu, Lou alofa, ua e aumai mo matou nei ni tina. Really good art forces the artist to look within themselves and find truth, or at least, meaning. When a thing means something, we feel it. And when we feel it, the art has done its job. It is successful. It is a nice song or a good book or a funny movie.

I am not a dancer (not in public, at least 😂). Dance is on my bucket list of 'talents' that I want to somehow manifest myself into having. For this reason- but also because dance is beautiful- I have a very focused way of watching people when they dance. Samoa Performing Arts and Creative Excellence (S.P.A.C.E) produces some of the most magnificent, genre-bending dances Samoa has ever seen. Their storytelling is articulate to the point where words would only serve to misconstrue and spoil what is already perfectly clear and heavily palpable. Of all the things I love about S.P.A.C.E, one of the main ones is the willingness of their director, the brilliant Valentino Maliko, to let new and aspiring dancers join and also to work closely with them. Alofau Rile, my auspicious and highly ambitious student, had a late-night epiphany and decided he wanted to be part of the dances too. That they gave him the space and support to find his footing and leap into success is testament to how the right people in the right place can make dreams come true. Benjamin, Grace, Elisapeta, Eseta, Alofau and Tamiana all have unique ways of moving and feeling the beats and rhythms. They are, after all, individuals. No two people will dance the same dance to the same song in exactly the same way. I noticed this immediately in the all-male number, set to Hozier's 'Take Me to Church'. Where Tamiana's hand movements are strong and well-defined, Alofau's are graceful and fluid, whilst Benjamin's are swift and bouncy, with a hint of wit and gentle humor.

Even our poetry readings and recitations brought with them the unique personalities of each poet. Where Sia Figiel described my style as "commanding", she emphasized that Krystal's piece was "dexterous" and complementary to it. Lars, a rapper, brought in bars that hurled the message of SHE IS NOT YOUR REHAB at an eager audience who caught every rhyme and line. I think about it now as, many different voices amplify a common cause and help achieve a common goal. Our strength is in our differences.

Like any live performance, there were a few funny moments. Music queued at the wrong time, some wardrobe malfunctions, I even forgot my plain black tee in the morning rush and had to turn my 'HUSH' cast t-shirt inside-out for my narrations. But the combined good work ethic and high levels of trust between cast and crew put on what I know was a great show. And the reviews have all been stellar! (Also, people wanna buy t-shirts of us, so I'm guessing we looked good too, lol).

We've just wrapped filming our musical, something that I will talk about in a later post. For now, I am grateful, and I feel HEARD. The story has been told, and now, it is up to those who listened to live it, learn from it and pass it on. Also, someone said we should go on tour...

The cast of 'HUSH: The Musical' with directors: 

L-R: FRONT ROW- Benjamin Lelevaga (dancer, chorus member [tenor])Tamiana Olano (dancer, chorus member [tenor]), Lars Gustaf Bell (rapper/ narrator) 

CENTER- Maluseu Doris Tulifau (producer/ director/writer), Eseta Corrine Uili (dancer, chorus member [soprano]), Yvette Alalatoa (producer/director/writer), Abbey Tofamamao Heather (chorus lead singer, actress ['the Teacher], singer (soloist, 'Rise Up'), Krystal Elizabeth Juffa (singer [duet], chorus member [soprano], actress ['Toxic Girlfriend'], performance poet/narrator, writer), Grace Pauga Greed (chorus member [soprano], dancer, actress [' Silent Mother']), Jasmine Koria (chorus member [alto], writer, performance poet/narrator, singer [soloist, song as part of monologue, 'Ua Fa'afetai Iesu Lou Alofa']), Nathan Sam Pomare (chorus member [tenor], actor ['Toxic Boyfriend'], singer [duet])Valentino Maliko (director, choreographer, musical arrangements)

BACK ROW- Brown Girl Woke Representative (name not provided), Elisapeta Fepulea'i (dancer, chorus member [alto], actress ['Questioning Daughter']), Alofau Rile (dancer, writer, chorus member [tenor]), Daniel Koria (narrator, writer, text editor)

 NOT PRESENT- Ioane Otineru (writer)

WHY THOUGH? Part II

So Much for So Little?

Volunteer work, N.G.O.s, not-for-profit networks...blogging. These are much-needed, and VERY difficult to do when you live in a third world country that's about as big as an ink blot on an atlas. Also, it's Samoa, for goodness sake. Everyone has a job, maybe even two, and then there's the deluge of family fa'alavelave, 'autalavou meetings, alumni fundraising group chats (hopefully not more than two!), loan deductions...SO: Why even bother taking on an extra workload (and the extra #issues it might bring) for FREE?!

My previous entry was part of the answer to the (very long) question above. A question that, as I said, people love to ask. In thinking about the whole concept of 'asking questions', I realize that while, yes, our Pasifika societies are generally really inquisitive, they also have a deep-rooted love for story-telling. We were chanters, singers, dancers, musicians, navigators and artists- on skin and tree fiber- long before the written word was given to us. A question is, in essence, an invitation to tell a story. It can be a long story: a close friend's "how are you?" can lead to you sharing about an illness in the family or a spat with a nosy colleague. An acquaintance's "how are you?" is generally responded to with the generic "I'm fine thanks, how are you?" We go on and on, being not fine, but saying nothing of it, because even something as abstract as storytelling has its unspoken and clearly defined limits. 

At my father's funeral, his older brother started his eulogy with these words: "Never has so much been given for so little. I know this was originally spoken about some great and famous world leader. But in my little world, I considered my brother 'great', and I consider this to be a very great sacrifice!" This is the way in my Samoan extended family- we say things 'straight up', and how you process any and all of it is your responsibility. It's a tough family to be from- but a good one- all the same, because it prepared me for the harshness of the outside world. And it gave me the same sense of purpose and duty that my father had in his lifetime. Part of this sense of purpose is understanding that the reward for good, worthwhile work is not always a financial one. 

I'd never knock money out of the loop: I, and most people my age, have about six different 'problems' that a little extra cash would definitely go a long way to fix. Money is important. What does that meme ask: ever tried to pay for a trip with courage? (lol) Exactly! WE NEED MONEY! But...it is not, and never will be, the only or most important thing that we need. 

I volunteer, aside from my multiple paying jobs, because it makes me happy. Expending time, energy and brainpower is of course by no means the sole way for a clinically anxious or depressed person like myself to find #TrueHappiness (what even is that...?). It is, however, one of the BEST ways for ME to truly enjoy my life and to reach my ultimate goal: making a difference in my world. You'll notice I use the possessive pronoun "my" there instead of something more general like "the". I know I can't, and probably won't, change the entire planet. I'm just a girl on a little island. But I know I can change my world: the people and places that I have access to. Everyone has their own world- their own sphere of impact and influence.  I often lie on my couch and imagine just how amazing it will be if/when we all do just a little extra to make a difference in our own worlds. The world itself will become a brighter, kinder, more thoughtful place. Yeah, this sounds like a massive delusion, what with the state of international relations at the moment. But if we humans made this little pale blue dot (Carl Sagan's analogy, not mine), so full of war and pestilence and ignorance, surely we are also powerful enough to make it just a little more peaceful, healthy and educated? 

For the last two years, I've been a member of the Global Shapers Community. It's basically the youth engagement arm of the World Economic Forum. Yes, yes, it's completely VOLUNTARY! The goals of our community are simple: we want to include young professionals- aspiring leaders from all walks of life- in the planning and implementation of initiatives that directly shape the future of the world that they are going to inherit. It's a big and small world, after all. The local Shapers Hub in Apia currently has two projects. The first, of which I am Project Lead, is called  the Atamai Online Education and Career Planning Project. We focus on improving educational equity, accessibility and career planning for tertiary students and job seekers in Samoa. Our passion for making education an open-access commodity, so to speak, is born out of our own experiences in the local education system, but also from witnessing the struggles of many young people whose schooling years were interrupted by the COVID-19 pandemic and its resulting lock-downs. The second project, called the Carbon Audit, is spearheaded by the many engineers that our hub is blessed to have on board. Their mission is to promote open dialogue about environmental and climate change issues in Samoa, and to raise awareness in our communities about the indispensable role of youth in the ongoing fight against the rising sea level, heightened global temperatures and, most prevalent of all, misinformation.

Will our two little projects get every student in Samoa educated, or stop the high waves from lapping high over the Apia seawall at random times? Probably not. But: will they help a recent uni graduate put relevant info on her CV? Will they remind a group of Year 9 boys not to throw their ice-pop packaging into the nearest waterway? DEFINITELY. And that is all the difference they need to make. That is the world they need to change. It is so little, I agree. But it is also so, so much. And it is worth it. 

WHY, THOUGH? Part I

Leaps of Faith vs. Calculated Risks

Volunteer work, N.G.O.s, not-for-profit networks...blogging. These are much-needed, and VERY difficult to do when you live in a third world country that's about as big as an ink blot on an atlas. Also, it's Samoa, for goodness sake. Everyone has a job, maybe even two, and then there's the deluge of family fa'alavelave, 'autalavou meetings, alumni fundraising group chats (hopefully not more than two!), loan deductions...SO: Why even bother taking on an extra workload (and the extra #issues it might bring) for FREE?!

If ever I had to say what question I get asked the most, it'd definitely be the one above! My students ask me it. My colleagues ask me it.  My mother even asks me it...well, usually in the context of, "you're getting ANOTHER job? Is it another income too, please?" (Pacific mothers, aye?) While giving the same answer to the same question does get a little tiring, I'd also say, to those who ask: hey, fair enough. 

For the last year-and-a-half, I've been simultaneously working no less than two jobs (sometimes three) at a time WHILST also volunteering AND being a sole caregiver as well as a single income-earner. My clinical anxiety works for but also against this, shall I say, 'arrangement'...When I'm productive, I'm sending emails and sharing documents and planning, planning, planning to the point where it's almost annoying if you're on the receiving end. When I'm having an off day (or week, haha!), I'll still do all these things, but much, much, slower. This is equally annoying if you need a report or graph or email response from me. Nonetheless, 'I get it done', as the saying goes. 

To the point now: Why get more jobs, why sign on to more projects, and why make a blog to talk about getting jobs and signing onto projects? Well, it's simple: BECAUSE I CAN. Ability and agency are two of the greatest assets anyone can have. Yes, starting capital (read: inherited wealth) is an amazingly freeing and empowering thing. But it isn't a necessary prerequisite to furnishing your lifetime with the doing of all the things you want to, and the use of your talents and strengths to carve out the kind of legacy you hope to leave behind. I come from a very working class background: my parents were both first in their immediate families to graduate with any sort of tertiary qualifications. My siblings and I went through secondary and tertiary schooling with the help of scholarships and those pesky but necessary loan schemes that our father would apply for. He'd pay off one child's education loan, and then be faced with having to take out another, because by then, the next kid would be ready for high school or university. It wasn't the worst possible scenario you could imagine, but it was certainly not the best. One thing I have taken from my childhood is a deep and abounding appreciation for the ABILITY, and the AGENCY to work good jobs, to learn important skills, and to develop myself as a person. When you grow up with limited agency, you become an adult who appreciates being ABLE, however difficult your circumstances may still seem. 

I can teach, I can write, I can read, I can speak. And I can certainly take down an accurate dictation. Meeting minutes are my #life. The four founding pillars of literacy education in Samoa are listening, speaking, reading and writing. For all that is to be improved in it, I credit the Samoan education system for giving me a very holistic, broad foundation. I have built all four of my careers on this, and it has served me well on days when most other things (and people) have not. The education system that built me was focused on goal-setting. I was taught the importance of logical, measurable steps. Even risks have to be properly planned out. Know what you are risking, and know why you are risking it. Know what abilities you have, and know how much agency and space you have to exercise them. 

I was a nervous kid...painfully so. One night, after struggling through my Year 8 mathematics homework with me, my Dad gave me some (branded and cliche, but very helpful) advice: "Don't be afraid. Don't hold yourself back- if you know you can, then do it! Nike. Just do it!" Fathers, aye? I miss those dad jokes and nuggets of (un)original wisdom everyday. Cringe-inspiring? Probably. But these words have held true for me in all the fourteen or so years since they were spoken to me. There's only so much fretting you can do over a situation or an impediment. If you want to achieve anything worthwhile, you'll have to get to the point where you decide if you really can (or cannot) do it, and then, ACT ON WHAT YOU BELIEVE. Make your calculations, consider your risks, and finally, do the hardest and easiest part: take the leap. That's faith, by the way- stepping out because you know you can.