When All Is Said and Done
"Oh Lord, You Know, I'm tired."
Last week I lost my mum.
It feels so weird typing that out. She was just here a few days ago, listening to me read some of my old entries out loud. Telling me even the lackluster ones were great. Just being a mum.
I'm not a caregiver anymore. Caregiving has been a definitive part of my life for so many years. Hospital pharmacy. ER. Ward. Operating Theater. Outpatient clinic. Back and forth, over and over. One of my favorite poets once wrote that repeated things become welts. It's the friction on your knees from too much praying. Or your back hurts from sitting on a cold floor for too many days.
I'm using for this entry the same quote I used for the previous one. I am tired but I don't know what of. I was tired when there was so much to do and now I am tired when there is nothing to do. No one to wake up every two hours and check on. What am I going to do with all this freedom?
Here's a list of stuff I've been considering:
1. Turn into a mermaid
2. Finish my MA Thesis
3. Go on a blind date. Or any date at all, really. I couldn't date much when I was in the hospital half the time and in my office the other half of that time.
4. Become a TikToker. Someone told me I should do makeup tutorials or something. In this heat? I have NO tips for ya'll. Just use Matte, please. Only thing that doesn't start running like water off your face after three seconds in the sun.
5. Enter a beauty pageant...lol. Fat chance. Those are fricken scary if you have anxiety!
6. Get married. Again, another difficult proposition. My finances aren't consenting to THAT right now. Probably won't for the next ten or fifteen years.
The funeral is in two days and I am trying to tie myself together. Like shoe laces, I think I'll finally master the art of BEING amidst this loss, when all is said and done, and everything has folded back into some kind of normality. Did I tell you guys I only learned to tie my own laces at seventeen? And quite by accident, whilst recalling a Spongebob song called, "Loop-dee-loop and pull"? Yeah. But you never forget those kinds of life skills. Walk in your new shoes a few days, months, years, and you'll get to where you're supposed to be next. It just may hurt a little in the adjustment phase.
